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Below is a friend's letter to me. I don't care if I've adviced her wrongly or for the better, I just feel that she can't forever live in her current state... You can't love someone if you can't learn to love yourself first - Bliss, 1997. I don't really know. I just need this outlet...

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"... my daughter was still a baby when I observed how close she was to her dad. Until now that she’s four years old and I have her custody and I’ve already separated with her father, there was never a time when my little girl would not remind me how much she liked her father better than me. On my part, it is very painful to think that I’m doing everything for her although it has been very difficult because of my situation in life. But in the end, whatever I do tend to be always wrong for her.

Even if she gets scratched, wounded or whatever, as long as she’s with her dad, it’s ok. But if she were with me when she gets these accidents, I’m automatically the mom from hell. I feel my daughter loves me but I also feel she loves her dad more.

Her dad recently contacted me just to tell me how worthless I am and that I can never be a mother to my little girl. It has always been my fault. Even though I’ve thrown away everything just for her. A lot of times I want to just give it all up. She’s the only one, she’s the only reason I’m still working to get a better life and it’s unfair that the only reason you’re living for is the same person who hates you.

At times I also think what if I send her back to her dad… Start my own new family without them - Hoping that they will love me better. It’s not all the time my friends are here to support me through life. Honestly I’m tired and I can’t move anymore. No, I don’t want to move anymore.

My ex-husband and my sister eloped years ago and now, they also want my daughter. Even though I’m thinking of finally giving up custody for the sake of my daughter’s happiness, I’m also thinking nothing will be left for me. No history, no life, no reason to live.

Maybe you’re right. Maybe I should let my daughter decide for her happiness for the moment and just hope that she misses me when she grows up. I can’t have her hating me everyday…

Perhaps like you said, I should surrender everything to fate this time and give myself freedom to breathe. You’re right when you said I won’t be able to help my daughter when even I can’t fix myself up. I just don’t know if I’ll ever survive the loss and missing her. But maybe, I do need this time for myself…"

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